In 2004, The American Psychological Association conducted a holiday stress survey and identified the top six stressors as follows:

1. Money
2. Gift-giving
3. Lack of time
4. Families
5. Diet
6. Children’s issues

This guide addresses each of these stressors in depth, as well as many others, with a focus on providing many more solutions than there are problems. That’s the way it should be.

This guide covers hundreds of ways to bust, cool, chill, deal and cope with all the various stresses of the holidays.

Pick yours up today at bardos.net/HolidayStressBusters

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From the web: “Life decisions that people have to make are never simple. The importance of the initial decision should always be examined over the long run. Memories made and cherished are sure to be tempered along the way. Consider the following two important choices…

1. Should I get a dog…

…or have children one day?”

From me: Before you do either, get training. Training in how to effectively discipline the dog or the children to either (hopefully) prevent such incidents and/or to effectively manage these incidents without killing anyone. I do Parent Training. It’s formal, systematic and customized. Best of all it’s effective. It’s based in the best evidence-based practices and real life “in the trenches” experience. You’re welcome to attend my upcoming FREE workshop “Parenting Tips from the Trenches” as my guest on October 1, 2008 at 8:00 p.m. MST. For more details see my speaking calendar. Other options: Enroll in the Parenting Mastery Action Group or engage in individual/couple’s parenting coaching sessions with me. To do either, contact me directly at 801.787.8014 or jonathan@TheMarriageAcademy.com.

—[NOTE: If you receive this only as the abbreviated eZine version of The Great Relationships Blog then read the full blog here to get more ideas, tips, resources and strategies for creating greatness in your relationships.]—

Children, funny, parenting

July in Utah is big. I mean crazy big. Utah goes all out. Not only do we celebrate the Fourth of July, we also celebrate Pioneer Day on the 24th of July. Every city, large and small, has their “Days”: Steel Days, Fiesta Days, Swiss Days, etc. Each with their own festival, often with parades, a carnival, fireworks, picnics, car shows, music, outdoor movies, rodeos and all kinds of celebrations and activities for families. This last month I saw at least four different fireworks displays each one bigger or as big as the last.

My two older children are at the age and stage of life where they’re preferring to hang with their friends. So during our town’s Steel Days festivities I got to hang out with my younger two children (while my wife took a much needed break). They walked/rode in the Children’s Parade, we ate lots of yummy bad food at the Children’s Fair, and we went to the City of Fun Carnival (FYI: if you’ve ever seen the movie The Sandlot then it’s the exact same carnival you saw there and it was filmed in our town, American Fork, during Steel Days. Pretty cool, eh? So there’s our claim to fame!). Great time hanging with the family.

Several years ago, a neighbor asked my wife, Kara, “So what are Jon’s hobbies? What does he do for fun?” She told him simply, “When Jon comes home, after seeing me, he seeks out the kids and plops down and starts playing with them. That’s what he loves to do. That’s his fun. I guess that’s his hobby: Our kids.”

My wife’s observation of me made me feel great. I didn’t quite realize that myself, but it was true—and still is. Hanging with the fam is my preferred activity. I realize though, that that’s not the case for everyone—That many good people struggle with finding joy in hanging with their fams. And I’m not sharing this to say, “Look how great I am” though you’re more than welcome to look. ;-) I am sharing this to say that I attribute our relationship success to many great TEACHINGS and many great MENTORS and many great PRACTICES and many great DECISIONS. Those same great teachings, mentors, practices and decisions are available to you as well. The great relationship is in your reach. I have distilled these teachings, practices and decisions into the following publications (all are available at www.bardos.net/products):

• Building Strong Families with “ACCCTS”
• The Great Relationships Workbook
• 10 Steps to Bonding as a Step-Family Workbook

Take the time to learn from the best down-to-earth practices that I’ve gleaned from long personal and professional experience combined with the best research- and evidence-based approaches that really work. Take the time to create an atmosphere where hanging with the family brings out the best in you and you in them.

One parent recently contacted me seeking help for a common parenting problem: Power struggles. She stated that her child thinks she’s the boss, is defiant, does the opposite of what’s asked, and ignores her. Sound familiar? She lamented, as many of us have, “We’ve tried everything” and admitted that they end up resorting to yelling even though they know that’s not helpful.

Here is just some of the counsel we discussed that she found helpful in disengaging from the power struggles by establishing a clear structure of parental authority that is respectful, consistent and effective.

1. Good answers are rarely easy answers.
We first set the stage by orienting her and her husband about creating effective and lasting change. I informed that I was assuming that they were ready to make some changes and that they were not looking for easy answers. I encouraged them to hear my suggestions without getting defensive, as I am not one to pull punches, as there are no easy answers to parenting and effective parenting often requires that we re-write some long-held beliefs and practices that simply don’t work. I have found that easy answers = sloppy results. The good news, though, is that there are very good answers that work really well. These are harder to apply, but the results are great.

2. Try a few things well vs. everything poorly.
I know many parents who’ve said they’ve “tried everything” having read plenty of books and so forth. However, I have yet to meet anyone who’s tried everything. For example, this parent stated they watched a popular parenting video and complained that it didn’t work. We discussed that “watching” the video and applying the ideas for a few days as they did just didn’t cut it. I challenged them to apply the video’s principles on a regular and consistent basis.

There are many great parenting books and videos out there. My encouragement is to take the parenting book of your choice and apply this formula: Study the basics + practice, practice, practice them into the ground until you have “overlearned” them into habits. Then read and re-read this book several times instead of flitting from one approach to the next. Stick to one great book until you have that approach down.

3. Who’s the boss?
A child is only the boss when the parents have set it up that they are not. By not clearly establishing who the parents are and who the children are parents let their children “take over.” Any child will act this way when their parents let them. I see it all the time. I don’t blame kids for taking as much power as they can get as it’s not the child’s responsibility to establish the structure in the home.

The solution here lies in finding out why you and your spouse resist setting clear, predictable and consistent limits for your child. This may require a hard look at yourselves, which is rarely fun. Do either of you feel guilty in your parenting for some real or imagined reason? Are either of you afraid she won’t like you? Do you want to be her friend more than her parent? What else? While these are difficult questions to face they are crucial for you to make the changes you want to create for you and your child.

4. One…two…three…three-and-a-half…
“1-2-3 Magic” is a great approach that many have found effective. However, it only works if “three” means three every single time. Rarely do I see three = three. More commonly, three = “three-and-a-half, three-and-three-quarters…I mean it! Really, this is your last chance… Four…Five…When I get to ten you’re going to be in big trouble, mister!” This isn’t rocket science. Three must mean three. It must not mean an extra chance, but simply that the child is “out.” There is a lot more too this approach, but check this aspect first as many parents continue giving chances upon chances upon chances. Kids learn a message we aren’t intending to send: that our word as parents is meaningless and that we aren’t really in charge. This is where the counting strategy falls apart most frequently. Basically keep it three strikes and she’s out. The third strike in baseball is never another chance no matter how much the batter whines, begs or screams. Keep it simple, clear, and predictable for both yourselves and your child.

5. Keep encouraged.
My final word is always one of encouragement. I applaud parents and encourage them in their willingness to reach out for help from those who can help them (their own parents, mentors, therapists and parenting coaches such as myself, books, videos, audio, etc.). The good news is there is much parents can do. There is much that you can do. There is much, much more to each one of these points I’ve made than I have the space to write here. I wish you both much success in your parenting!

Watch the next column for the Part II where we will look at six more strategies: 1. Not recreating the wheel; 2. Getting clear with parenting rules at home; 3. Using best practices; 4. Making “No” stick; 5. The futility of yelling; and 6. Putting it all into practice.

I encourage readers to call 801.787.8014 or email me at jonathan@bardos.net and let me know what ideas, approaches, strategies, mindsets, philosophies, and tips they have found successful in your parenting and I will be happy to share those ideas in a future column.

For more information on stress-busting, mindfulness practices, stress management workshops, relationship and parenting workshops and/or to subscribe to the free Great Relationships eZine contact your stress-busting pal, Jonathan at Bardos Relationship Consulting: 801.787.8014, jonathan@bardos.net or visit bardos.net. Also, The Great Relationships Workbook is now available at www.bardos.net. It is full of the best articles, worksheets, tips and exercises to help you create greatness in your relationships.

We just returned from a two week road trip to see family in the Smokey Mountains of Tenesee and in Washington, D.C. While in D.C. we attended church on Fathers’ Day with my cousin’s family where I spied this dad zonked out with his little guy on the foyer couch. Been there. This picture says so much.

As a father of two girls and two boys I caught as many desperate cat naps as I could snag wherever and whenever I could. This father and his baby boy brought a lot back and I felt for him: For his exhaustion, and for the sublime honor and pleasure to be so entrusted with such a profound little life.

I don’t know anything else about this guy as a father—whether he’s a patient, nurturing man or short-tempered and distant. I do know this scene though. I do know this moment. I do know the desire of wanting so badly to be a good dad and not always knowing how to do that. I’m sure he’s doing his best though and for that I wish to honor this anonymous father.

Father is a powerful word and Fathers’ Day can be a powerful focal point. Fathers’ Day can be a time for joyous celebration of the great men in your life who taught you how to be a man, a husband, a father. Or it can be a bitter reminder of the power of masculinity poorly and even abusively applied. Or it can be both. Depending on the kind of man your father was makes Fathers’ Day a joy or a trial.

I have often pondered with my clients (and with myself) the scriptural injunction to “Honor thy father and thy mother.” Unfortunately, many people’s father’s choices and behaviors were heinous and destructive and so very far from honorable. How does one “honor” such a father then? The answer that makes the most sense to me and the one that brings me a sense of both freedom and peace is the simplest: Whether your father was honorable or dishonorable you honor them by simply doing better than they did.

Yes, giving fathers due respect and acknowledgment is wonderful, of course. And certainly learning from them and carrying on the good that they have taught is wise. However, what every parent wants most for their children (to the point of wanting it so bad for them it aches) is simply for them to do better than they did; to have what they didn’t have; to be wiser, smarter, more capable; to simply be happy.

So to honor my fathers (my biological father, my step-father, my many grand- and great grandfathers, and certainly my Heavenly Father) I try to learn from their wisdom and from their folly. I try to do better than they did or than they knew. The simplest way, and most profound way I have found to do this is to invest my heart, mind and soul into loving my children’s mother and honor her with words, commitment, friendship and service. Doing so has provided for my children a secure home they need and thrive in. Further, by loving my children, my treasures, through continuing to develop my patience, my ability to be fully present with them, and making sure they know without a doubt that their dad is absolutely crazy about them then I am able to not only honor my fathers but also honor myself as a father by teaching my children, through example, how to do it well. From that example, I trust that my dear ones will improve upon my abilities in their own unique ways for their own children.

So, reflecting on Fathers’ Day I wish to express: A simple “thank you” to my fathers; My deepest gratitude to my children for teaching me how to father them, and; My love forever to my wife for making me a father by giving me the four greatest joys of my life.

And to the unknown sleeping dad and son pictured above I just wish to say, “Keep up the good work. It looks like you’re off to a great start.”

Every year for Mother’s Day I put together a CD for the mother of my treasures (aka the kids) called Momma Songs. These usually contain songs related to being a mom (serious and silly, rockin’ and meaningful) and usually some love songs that reflect my love, ongoing attraction and gratitude for my wife and friend. This year I put together two: One just with mother-related songs and one with love-related songs. I thought I’d share the playlists with you in case you’d like to share a song or two with the woman in your life who makes it all alright. Give mom’s due props!

1. I’m Yours • Jason Mraz
2. Hey Leonardo (she likes me for me) • Blessid Union Of Souls
3. I’ll Be • Edwin Mccain
4. You Sexy Thing • Hot Chocolate
5. 1000 Kisses • Will Smith feat. Jada
6. Happy Everafter In Your Eyes • Ben Harper
7. Sunshine Of Your Love • Cream
8. Sugar Sugar • Archies
9. She’s Always A Woman To Me • Billy Joel
10. She Is His Only Need • Wynonna Judd
11. These Are The Moments • Edwin McCain
12. Everything • Michael Bublé
13. Passionate Kisses • Mary Chapin Carpenter
14. Something • The Beatles
15. I Feel Fine • The Beatles
16. I Love you Just the Way you Are • Billy Joel
17. At Last • Joss Stone
18. Hug Hug • Clip from the Nacho Libre Soundtrack
19. She’s Got a Way • Billy Joel
20. I Walk the Line • Johnny Cash
21. Thank You • Led Zeppelin
22. Aint No Sunshine • Al Green

I’m sure by now many of you have seen this clip from the show The Moment of Truth.

My wife’s co-worker and chum Penny sent this to her and Kara then sent it to me. Men, I hope you express LOADS of appreciation to your wife today!

I’m giving a presentation called “Husband Training 101″ in my old Michigan stompin’ grounds next week for my step-mom’s Women’s Conference. Some people have recoiled against the choice of word “training” as they think it sounds demeaning somehow–like training a dog (what’s demeaning about training a dog? Okay, I know, I get it–the problem is that I’m supposedly comparing husbands to dogs. Am I? No, I are one! Husband, not dog, that is…). My point is that good training in ANY aspect of life tends towards mucho better results (sports, work, school, and yes, marriage, family, parenting AND even husbands).

But, what do you think? Add a comment below.

My reasoning is simply based on the very definition of training (bolds and CAPS added by me…):

train•ing |ˈtrāni ng | noun

the ACTION of TEACHING a person or animal a particular SKILL or type of BEHAVIOR: in-service training for staff. • the ACTION of undertaking a COURSE of EXERCISE and diet (i.e., DISCIPLINE) in PREPARATION for a sporting EVENT (i.e., marriage or family life): you’ll have to go into strict training.

Phrases: IN (or out of) TRAINING undergoing (or no longer undergoing) physical (or RELATIONSHIP) training for a sporting event. • physically (or RELATIONALLY) FIT (or unfit) as a RESULT of the AMOUNT of training one has UNDERTAKEN.

Yeah, heaven forbid we get trained in our roles as husbands to be well-prepared and skilled. Heaven forbid wives learn effective and respectful training methods to teach particular skills or preferred types of behaviors. Instead, let’s continue to argue, fight, and bicker and/or continue to stonewall, shut down and ignore each other all of which is much less demeaning than “training.”

Rant out.

Come see me! If you’re in Kalamazoo, MI on March 8th or 9th come check out my FREE (yea!) presentations: “Stress and Anxiety: Mastering Strong Emotions“; “Husband Training 101“; and “Building Strong Families with ‘ACCCTS‘”. Go to My Speaking Cal for more details. Do it!

Few “romantic” songs have anything to do about real, lasting, committed love. This song epitomizes what The Marriage Academy and “greatness in relationships” is all about. Enjoy.

Peace,
Jonathan