Category Archives: Marriage Tips

Friends, I am still astounded (even though I should know better) when I hear some men use the “argument”, “Because I’m the man” to get their way and to exert control over their partners. That this still continues in this day and age is really amazing… and pathetic. Yet it does still and it takes all my professional training to keep from… Well, I won’t say.

Fortunately, there are many men who have long ago rejected that worn-out oppressive model. I am grateful that my best friends treat their wives with all the respect they deserve, defer to them, adore and respect them. I am also surrounded by many good men in my neighborhood and church who feel the same way. The thought of using the “because I’m the man” to them would equal what we abhorrently call in our church “unrighteous dominion.” So thankfully, most of the men I know are good, kind, caring men.

Personally, I first learned what it meant to really be a man from my step-father in a way that has made me proud to the kind of man that my dear wife and children love, admire and respect. Instead of learning a sense of entitlement “because I’m the man” I learned a sense of duty as follows:

Thanks to my step-father’s example in my house growing up “Because I’m the man…” meant: 

• Being responsible to provide for his family;
• Believing that being a man of God = bowing in humble service to his wife;
• Serving my mom/his wife in countless ways: loving us kids, washing the dishes, cooking meals, etc. I loved my mom so incredibly dearly and to have a man enter our lives who also loved her, admired her and respected her just as much made me love him all the more;
• Doing many fun, romantic, silly things for her, making up elaborate and often suggestive nicknames for her that made her giggle and exclaim, “Oh, George!”
• Praying and fasting for my sick mother night after night, year after year with great faith and earnestness, and ”mourning with her as she mourned”;
• Being willing to humble your stubbornness and admit when you’re wrong;
• Being willing to seek help and counsel;
• Being attracted to a strong woman (such as my dad to my mother, and me to my wife) and allowing them to help you become a stronger man;
• Being a true partner, a true helpmeet;
• That true strength didn’t come from pride and ego but from humility and compassion;
• Keeping his faith even in spite of trial after trial after trial after trial after trial…
• Affair- and divorcing-proofing your marriage—most female clients I’ve had have stated time and time again that these are exactly the traits they’ve always wanted in their partner. Further, if they had left their partner it was often because of the absence of these traits;
• Showing his son how to fix things both around the house, under the car and in the heart;
• Being patient, compassionate and understanding when his 16-year-old son (me) crashes the car two-weeks after getting his license. And then regaling his son and his friends (who were scared I was “going to get it!”) with all the funny, crazy and idiotic things he did with vehicles as a youth.

That’s what it meant to be the man in my home growing up. And I’m trying to make sure that’s what it means to my kids in their home now.

PS: Years ago a friend shared, “I’m the Man” from the Bob and Tom show with me. It’s a fun play on the juxtaposition from the old school to the new school relationship between men and women. I play this at some of my workshops as an ice-breaker. Great stuff:

“I think it’s impossible to really understand somebody, what they want, what they believe, and not love them the way they love themselves.”
—Ender Wiggin, in Ender’s Game by Orson Scott Card

The key to a GREAT relationship is REALLY understanding, which is the soul of compassion. To know someone so fully that you can see past what you disagree with about them to what really makes them tick. To fully understand them as they are instead of as they “should” be opens up the door to truly loving someone.

How do we then really understand someone? It requires a lot of shutting up and a lot of listening.  Simple? Yes. Easy? No.

Shutting Up
Shutting up is not about just closing the mouth, it is about opening the mind to what the person is really saying—to where you can hear them from their hopes and dreams and pain and desperation. It is not about shutting down your opinions. It is about shutting off the noise of your opinions, judgments, corrections, and criticisms long enough so you can really heart what the other is trying to really express even if they are doing it poorly.

Deep Listening
Listen for what is really being said. Listen for their suffering that is at the root of what they are expressing. Connect to it and let the compassion you feel for suffering well up inside of you.

But what if you don’t agree? Fortunately, you don’t have to agree to listen well. Understanding ≠ agreement, so don’t get bogged down in “Yeah, but I just don’t agree with what you’re saying.” Instead, listen so deeply to what is being said that you connect with their suffering in a such a way that your compassion is triggered. When you connect to your compassion they will feel that compassion in your speech and body language. Then they will feel understood. Then they will feel safe with you. That is the deep place that we use deep listening to take us to.

My dad, and educator, once gave me a book on teaching and learning called To Know as We Are Known. The title says it all. That is the secret of what we all want: to be known by others as we know ourselves. That kind of knowing is true understanding which is the very soul of compassion.

What do you think? Please share your thoughts on how YOU use compassion to listen and understand better as well as what gets in your way…

“Create Your GREAT Relationship Brand” workshop/fireside this weekend. Hope to see ya there! http://ping.fm/qN59A

Getting this too late after Valentine’s Day? Great! Because, this isn’t an article for Valentine’s Day, it’s for taking care of your relationship with great care throughout the whole year, and not just on one day. I wrote this article a few years back. Most of you probably haven’t read it, yet. So, here ’tis in it’s encore performance in a printer friendly PDF version

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Every year for Mother’s Day I put together a CD for the mother of my treasures (aka the kids) called Momma Songs. These usually contain songs related to being a mom (serious and silly, rockin’ and meaningful) and usually some love songs that reflect my love, ongoing attraction and gratitude for my wife and friend. This year I put together two: One just with mother-related songs and one with love-related songs. I thought I’d share the playlists with you in case you’d like to share a song or two with the woman in your life who makes it all alright. Give mom’s due props!

1. I’m Yours • Jason Mraz
2. Hey Leonardo (she likes me for me) • Blessid Union Of Souls
3. I’ll Be • Edwin Mccain
4. You Sexy Thing • Hot Chocolate
5. 1000 Kisses • Will Smith feat. Jada
6. Happy Everafter In Your Eyes • Ben Harper
7. Sunshine Of Your Love • Cream
8. Sugar Sugar • Archies
9. She’s Always A Woman To Me • Billy Joel
10. She Is His Only Need • Wynonna Judd
11. These Are The Moments • Edwin McCain
12. Everything • Michael Bublé
13. Passionate Kisses • Mary Chapin Carpenter
14. Something • The Beatles
15. I Feel Fine • The Beatles
16. I Love you Just the Way you Are • Billy Joel
17. At Last • Joss Stone
18. Hug Hug • Clip from the Nacho Libre Soundtrack
19. She’s Got a Way • Billy Joel
20. I Walk the Line • Johnny Cash
21. Thank You • Led Zeppelin
22. Aint No Sunshine • Al Green

I’m sure by now many of you have seen this clip from the show The Moment of Truth.

My wife’s co-worker and chum Penny sent this to her and Kara then sent it to me. Men, I hope you express LOADS of appreciation to your wife today!

I’m giving a presentation called “Husband Training 101″ in my old Michigan stompin’ grounds next week for my step-mom’s Women’s Conference. Some people have recoiled against the choice of word “training” as they think it sounds demeaning somehow–like training a dog (what’s demeaning about training a dog? Okay, I know, I get it–the problem is that I’m supposedly comparing husbands to dogs. Am I? No, I are one! Husband, not dog, that is…). My point is that good training in ANY aspect of life tends towards mucho better results (sports, work, school, and yes, marriage, family, parenting AND even husbands).

But, what do you think? Add a comment below.

My reasoning is simply based on the very definition of training (bolds and CAPS added by me…):

train•ing |ˈtrāni ng | noun

the ACTION of TEACHING a person or animal a particular SKILL or type of BEHAVIOR: in-service training for staff. • the ACTION of undertaking a COURSE of EXERCISE and diet (i.e., DISCIPLINE) in PREPARATION for a sporting EVENT (i.e., marriage or family life): you’ll have to go into strict training.

Phrases: IN (or out of) TRAINING undergoing (or no longer undergoing) physical (or RELATIONSHIP) training for a sporting event. • physically (or RELATIONALLY) FIT (or unfit) as a RESULT of the AMOUNT of training one has UNDERTAKEN.

Yeah, heaven forbid we get trained in our roles as husbands to be well-prepared and skilled. Heaven forbid wives learn effective and respectful training methods to teach particular skills or preferred types of behaviors. Instead, let’s continue to argue, fight, and bicker and/or continue to stonewall, shut down and ignore each other all of which is much less demeaning than “training.”

Rant out.

Come see me! If you’re in Kalamazoo, MI on March 8th or 9th come check out my FREE (yea!) presentations: “Stress and Anxiety: Mastering Strong Emotions“; “Husband Training 101“; and “Building Strong Families with ‘ACCCTS‘”. Go to My Speaking Cal for more details. Do it!

Few “romantic” songs have anything to do about real, lasting, committed love. This song epitomizes what The Marriage Academy and “greatness in relationships” is all about. Enjoy.

Peace,
Jonathan