Category Archives: >> Marriage Transformation

Friends, I am still astounded (even though I should know better) when I hear some men use the “argument”, “Because I’m the man” to get their way and to exert control over their partners. That this still continues in this day and age is really amazing… and pathetic. Yet it does still and it takes all my professional training to keep from… Well, I won’t say.

Fortunately, there are many men who have long ago rejected that worn-out oppressive model. I am grateful that my best friends treat their wives with all the respect they deserve, defer to them, adore and respect them. I am also surrounded by many good men in my neighborhood and church who feel the same way. The thought of using the “because I’m the man” to them would equal what we abhorrently call in our church “unrighteous dominion.” So thankfully, most of the men I know are good, kind, caring men.

Personally, I first learned what it meant to really be a man from my step-father in a way that has made me proud to the kind of man that my dear wife and children love, admire and respect. Instead of learning a sense of entitlement “because I’m the man” I learned a sense of duty as follows:

Thanks to my step-father’s example in my house growing up “Because I’m the man…” meant: 

• Being responsible to provide for his family;
• Believing that being a man of God = bowing in humble service to his wife;
• Serving my mom/his wife in countless ways: loving us kids, washing the dishes, cooking meals, etc. I loved my mom so incredibly dearly and to have a man enter our lives who also loved her, admired her and respected her just as much made me love him all the more;
• Doing many fun, romantic, silly things for her, making up elaborate and often suggestive nicknames for her that made her giggle and exclaim, “Oh, George!”
• Praying and fasting for my sick mother night after night, year after year with great faith and earnestness, and ”mourning with her as she mourned”;
• Being willing to humble your stubbornness and admit when you’re wrong;
• Being willing to seek help and counsel;
• Being attracted to a strong woman (such as my dad to my mother, and me to my wife) and allowing them to help you become a stronger man;
• Being a true partner, a true helpmeet;
• That true strength didn’t come from pride and ego but from humility and compassion;
• Keeping his faith even in spite of trial after trial after trial after trial after trial…
• Affair- and divorcing-proofing your marriage—most female clients I’ve had have stated time and time again that these are exactly the traits they’ve always wanted in their partner. Further, if they had left their partner it was often because of the absence of these traits;
• Showing his son how to fix things both around the house, under the car and in the heart;
• Being patient, compassionate and understanding when his 16-year-old son (me) crashes the car two-weeks after getting his license. And then regaling his son and his friends (who were scared I was “going to get it!”) with all the funny, crazy and idiotic things he did with vehicles as a youth.

That’s what it meant to be the man in my home growing up. And I’m trying to make sure that’s what it means to my kids in their home now.

PS: Years ago a friend shared, “I’m the Man” from the Bob and Tom show with me. It’s a fun play on the juxtaposition from the old school to the new school relationship between men and women. I play this at some of my workshops as an ice-breaker. Great stuff:

You know how business’ celebrate their 10th, 20th, etc anniversary of being in business all year long? Well, marriage and family is more important than any business so Kara and I decided today that we’re going to make our 20th Anniversary a Year-Long Celebration instead of just on our anniversary date itself and stretch it out throughout 2012 with various big and small celebrations, activities and parties. Woo hoo!

Not too shabby this… Kristian Anderson made this birthday video for his wife Rachel before he died of cancer. It went viral as did their story. I’ll let the vids tell their story better than I can…

I tip my hat to this wonderful couple who were in their short time in this life together truly GREAT Relationship Masters. Their reunion in the next life will be all the sweeter for both the joy and the suffering they experienced in this life. Peace and blessing to them.

Today I did a survey of local teen girls (at lunch today with my daughty and her bestie, both 15-years-old—a super small survey!) asking them, “How do you know when a relationship is healthy or unhealthy?”

See their answers below and please answer the following questions:

Q: 1. What do you tell your kids about distinguishing between healthy and unhealthy, safe/unsafe, good/bad relationships?

—OR—

Q: 2. What do you wish you knew as a teen that you know now?

—OR—

Q: 3: Do you agree with the girls’ answers? What would you add or change?

Q: 1. What do you tell your kids about distinguishing between healthy and unhealthy, safe/unsafe, good/bad relationships?

—OR—

Q: 2. What do you wish you knew as a teen that you know now?

—OR—

Q: 3: Do you agree with the girls’ answers? What would you add or change?

“Well, Jonathan, that’s easier said than done.” This is a common phrase and objection I hear from people when we talk about creating a GREAT relationship overall and/or specific strategies towards that goal. My response is, “Yep, that’s exactly why most people don’t get it done—lots of talk, little walk. Everyone says they want great relationships with spouse, children and self. However, look around. This is why most people have crap relationships, why most people complain about their children’s poor behavior and why most people don’t learn how to master their emotions. People complain about it being easy to say,  but hard to do.”

Of course, it’s easier said than done—it’s hard work. Period. Anything of great value rarely comes cheap, free or easy. Since when were great results ever easy? When did we start expecting that? Greatness, in any and every field, simply requires hard work.

Greatness Is Hard Won

Too many people buy into the pervasive, and TOTALLY unsubstantiated, myth that real/true/great love should be easy, should “just flow”, etc. Please, please, please, someone show me where this works in any part of life. Why is Google great? Did Google “just happen”? How about Apple? How about Michaelangelo’s David? How about any Super Bowl winner? Olympic gold medalists? The Cathedral of Notre Dame? Gandhi or Martin Luther King, Jr.’s movements? Please show me where true and lasting greatness was not hard won?

The three areas I help people with (marriage transformation, parent training and self-mastery) all take hard work. Why should that discourage us, though? Shouldn’t we be encouraged knowing that if we work hard to learn and practice, practice, practice the best ways to create a great relationship that we’ll earn our outcomes? So, if we are going to do hard, we might as well learn the best ways to do it so our hard work is well-rewarded.

Hard and Easy or Easy and Hard?

The question then is not whether it’s hard or easy. The question is, where do you want hard and where do you want easy? We know that the convoluted and complicated habits and messes we get stuck in are actually quite easy to continue perpetuating and falling back into. Bad relationship habits are easy to continue. It’s just that the results of these patterns are really hard to live with. The work I require my clients to do is undoubtably hard to do, but boy! the results sure are easy to live with. Success story after success story keep rolling in like these two this week:

Thank you so much for helping me save my marriage! I don’t know what I’d do without my husband! He is so amazing for me in so many ways!”
—A Marriage Transformation client who loathed her husband and was ready to leave him

I can attest a LOT of very hard work went into this outcome. But the hard work is over for them. The easy part of living with what they have created, and earned, continues on and on and on.

[My wife] is amazed. You changed her life today with what you taught us about mastering strong emotions. The change in her in turn changed my life and hopefully her extended family’s lives, too. You definitely do not hide your talents under a bushel. I so appreciate you.”
—A Self-Mastery and Parent Training client

So it’s not whether the work is hard or not. It’s going to be hard. The question is where do you want the hard and where do you want the easy? Easy to keep doing, but hard to live with or hard to do, but easy to live with?

Short term: EASY to continue habits = Long term: HARD to live with

Short term: HARD to change habits = Long term: EASY to live with

Take courage. The work is hard. The results are worth it.

RELATED POST: Hard or Easy?

As a marriage and family therapist, sex therapy is a common part of my practice. Often, people (men) worry that they aren’t having as much sex as they used to when they were first married and that must mean there is something wrong with their marriage. This often leads to conflict in the marriage. The drop-off in frequency is a normal (and believe it or not it’s not even bad) change in the normal development of a marriage. However, in our over-sexed (yet under accurately sexually educated) society anything less than lots of mind-blowing sex all the time = “there must be something wrong.” Anyway, while there’s a lot more to this issue, here’s one very interesting finding about testosterone in Dads and why the dip in testosterone is not only NOT a bad thing it’s actually quite a good thing: Dads Have Less Testosterone

I think it’s nice to know that men ARE built to also nurture and not just be aggressive. There are many examples of this in other more “primitive” cultures. I believe clearly that many “advanced” cultures have clearly got it wrong where we teach men to be be mostly in tune with aggressive/tough emotions while teaching us to be strangers to our more nurturing/sensitive ones. Both have their place and value. Again, balance vs. extremes.

Your thoughts?

I am personally and professionally recommending this vid and Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/ExecutionOfTheCheater.

For years I have said that relationships will no longer tolerate sloppiness nor carelessness. Cheating is short-lived enjoyment that destroys too much. It’s like burning down a cathedral just to fry an egg. It’s time to “execute cheating” and put an end to cheating. I know we can’t eradicate cheating from the world, but YOU can choose. It’s time to take a stand and PLEDGE TO HONOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP. Honor used to mean something. It still can. Be a man of honor. Be a woman of honor. There is glory in honor. Let’s bring honor back. Listen to this song and like this page.

I have made this pledge already day one when I made my covenants with my queen. I honor my pledge to this day.

Peace, J

[Woman's voice: "What is wrong with you?! I gave you everything! I loved you and you broke me. What kind of a man does that?! I'm done. I'm done."]

Chorus:

And they say
Once a cheater always
It’s a shame
Played you like ball game
Who’s to blame
When dirts thrown on the flame
Things may never change
You swear that they are all the same
c-h-e-a-t-e-r
execution of the cheater
The cheater (6x)
Execution of the Cheater

one time for the walk of life
my hustle, struggle, and fight
put in work, earn my stripes
execution of the cheater
one with the gods, name’s Hercules
but I’m just a man, still surfacing
Then I seen this perfect queen
34-26 working jeans
conflict of interest, work with me
execution of the cheater
lemme air it out,
wife at home that I care about
a lil bit of lust in the air right now
lil bit of trust, can’t compare right now
lil bit of us, let’s tear it down
lil bit of luck, that she won’t find out
that she won’t find out
execution of the cheater
trust but verify
This is scary I
killed love by initiation
let’s be real it was imitation
and to think it was just us 3
and to think that you trust trust me
once upon a time but not long ago
I understand that u gotta go
You did your best like the honor roll
And I flunked it n I dropped out
And to say that I’m sorry is a cop out
Put the metal to my head and just rocked out

Chorus

[Woman's voice: "(?) I' can't believe you'd do this. How could you?"]

now it’s a face off
no tellin what the case costs
America! was it all a dream
I mean what is a king without a queen
Let’s see, what that look like dude
United as one, divided by who
Sprinkle on lust then it’s 2 times one
You left she left, I am the sum
I’m pleading my case like that ain’t my gun
Like that ain’t my gun
But it is my gun
Execution of the cheater
Cheating is in season
The latest fashion
If Love is war
Salute to those who made it past it
Blinded by passions
No excuses
Attachment issues
I be on my eat cake too ish
but karma’s knockin
Mark of the beast
Ain’t nothing like a woman’s scorn until she cheats
I’m still young but it gets old
What a f—ed up rough tough tattered soul
KIA, doesn’t matter though
Truth be told, shame on me
Execution of the cheater
And the aims on me

Chorus

[Woman's voice: "...(?)... I' can't believe this sh--! (?) You vowed...(?) I gave you seven years of my f---ing life... I can't believe...(?) You could've at least come home and talked to me and been a f---ing man instead of running around with a...(?) female. I'm done."]

See the background of the Execution of the Cheater song as explained by the singer, Seven2Life. Way to put himself out there, own his past and make a better life based in honor. I salute him.

Q: I was asked how long I’ve been married and what I love most about my marriage. 

A: Married almost 20 years. What do I love most? Let me count the many, many ways… specifically see my dedications to my wife via the 52 Love Songs Project http://marriageenvy.com/category/52-love-songs/ and the 365 Love Quotes Project http://marriageenvy.com/category/365-love-quotes/ I started for her on our 18th Anniversary.

Q: You?

Rather than learning to settle for “meh” relationships, I have taught for years the need for creating phenomenally GREAT relationships. My tag lines for my practice have been as follows:

• “GREATness in relationships. Nothing less.”
• “MarriageEnvy.com: The GREAT relationship you’ve always wanted.”
• “GREAT relationships don’t just happen… They are created.”
• “Relate GREAT.”

I admit I was inspired by Steve Job’s famous standard for Apple and all of their products: “Insanely great.” That phrase stuck in my head and resonated with my core—and not just from a product standpoint, but from a life standpoint.

I have always loved the Apple user experience—it stood apart and far above what I experienced elsewhere in design, function, form, fun, and customer service that blows you away. I thought that “insanely great” was a brilliant concept. And why not? Why not have the best product out there?

And when I was deciding on my life’s work, especially around my practice, I thought,  ”What am I really all about? What is my work all about? What sets me apart and the work my clients and I do apart from the other therapists in the market place?” I realized that I wasn’t into just marriage counseling, teaching communication skills or saving marriages. Those were all well and good. But what I really believed in is that we were all destined for greatness. That being the case why do we settle for less than phenomenal relationships? Everyone wants a great relationship. Yet, quite frankly so many marriages suck, plain and simple. That in turn creates all kinds of  misery for individuals, couples and children.

So in response to that huge disconnect between the sad relationship realities my clients and I instead together craft truly GREAT relationships that they are truly proud of. GREAT relationships that are incomparable to the standard marriage. We create the relationships they always wanted to have and that others crave, covet, envy and want. Sounds like when the iPod hit the market. Like when the iPhone hit the streets. When something is so great everyone wants it. While we can’t get a GREAT relationship as easily as we can an iPod or iPhone, fortunately, GREAT relationships can be obtained through conscious, committed creation.

So here’s some kudos to an amazing innovator who in part inspired me in my own life’s work, who sadly died at the young age of 56.

“Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life.

“Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure — these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.

“Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”

—Steve Jobs, 2005 Stanford commencement ceremony.

RIP to a true visionary and maker of REALLY cool, fun, innovative and game-changing tech. Funny how even the haters copied him.

Here’s to one of the “crazy ones” who truly saw things differently and made them different.

“Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.”

—Apple Inc.

The above is from one of the best ads ever below featuring these 17 iconic figures of the 20th century: Albert Einstein, Bob Dylan, Martin Luther King, Jr., Richard Branson, John Lennon (with Yoko Ono), Buckminster Fuller, Thomas Edison, Muhammad Ali, Ted Turner, Maria Callas, Mahatma Gandhi, Amelia Earhart, Alfred Hitchcock, Martha Graham, Jim Henson (with Kermit the Frog), Frank Lloyd Wright and Pablo Picasso.

I think Steve Jobs can be fairly added to this list of those who thought differently and impacted the world in revolutionary ways.

“There are no good men/women out there” is a frequent lament I hear, yet every day I work with amazing people who are preparing themselves well by working hard to be the best person they can be—thus I have to disagree. They are not only “out there” they are in my office. So how to attract the best…