Category Archives: Men/Husbands/Fatherhood

Friends, I am still astounded (even though I should know better) when I hear some men use the “argument”, “Because I’m the man” to get their way and to exert control over their partners. That this still continues in this day and age is really amazing… and pathetic. Yet it does still and it takes all my professional training to keep from… Well, I won’t say.

Fortunately, there are many men who have long ago rejected that worn-out oppressive model. I am grateful that my best friends treat their wives with all the respect they deserve, defer to them, adore and respect them. I am also surrounded by many good men in my neighborhood and church who feel the same way. The thought of using the “because I’m the man” to them would equal what we abhorrently call in our church “unrighteous dominion.” So thankfully, most of the men I know are good, kind, caring men.

Personally, I first learned what it meant to really be a man from my step-father in a way that has made me proud to the kind of man that my dear wife and children love, admire and respect. Instead of learning a sense of entitlement “because I’m the man” I learned a sense of duty as follows:

Thanks to my step-father’s example in my house growing up “Because I’m the man…” meant: 

• Being responsible to provide for his family;
• Believing that being a man of God = bowing in humble service to his wife;
• Serving my mom/his wife in countless ways: loving us kids, washing the dishes, cooking meals, etc. I loved my mom so incredibly dearly and to have a man enter our lives who also loved her, admired her and respected her just as much made me love him all the more;
• Doing many fun, romantic, silly things for her, making up elaborate and often suggestive nicknames for her that made her giggle and exclaim, “Oh, George!”
• Praying and fasting for my sick mother night after night, year after year with great faith and earnestness, and ”mourning with her as she mourned”;
• Being willing to humble your stubbornness and admit when you’re wrong;
• Being willing to seek help and counsel;
• Being attracted to a strong woman (such as my dad to my mother, and me to my wife) and allowing them to help you become a stronger man;
• Being a true partner, a true helpmeet;
• That true strength didn’t come from pride and ego but from humility and compassion;
• Keeping his faith even in spite of trial after trial after trial after trial after trial…
• Affair- and divorcing-proofing your marriage—most female clients I’ve had have stated time and time again that these are exactly the traits they’ve always wanted in their partner. Further, if they had left their partner it was often because of the absence of these traits;
• Showing his son how to fix things both around the house, under the car and in the heart;
• Being patient, compassionate and understanding when his 16-year-old son (me) crashes the car two-weeks after getting his license. And then regaling his son and his friends (who were scared I was “going to get it!”) with all the funny, crazy and idiotic things he did with vehicles as a youth.

That’s what it meant to be the man in my home growing up. And I’m trying to make sure that’s what it means to my kids in their home now.

PS: Years ago a friend shared, “I’m the Man” from the Bob and Tom show with me. It’s a fun play on the juxtaposition from the old school to the new school relationship between men and women. I play this at some of my workshops as an ice-breaker. Great stuff:

As a marriage and family therapist, sex therapy is a common part of my practice. Often, people (men) worry that they aren’t having as much sex as they used to when they were first married and that must mean there is something wrong with their marriage. This often leads to conflict in the marriage. The drop-off in frequency is a normal (and believe it or not it’s not even bad) change in the normal development of a marriage. However, in our over-sexed (yet under accurately sexually educated) society anything less than lots of mind-blowing sex all the time = “there must be something wrong.” Anyway, while there’s a lot more to this issue, here’s one very interesting finding about testosterone in Dads and why the dip in testosterone is not only NOT a bad thing it’s actually quite a good thing: Dads Have Less Testosterone

I think it’s nice to know that men ARE built to also nurture and not just be aggressive. There are many examples of this in other more “primitive” cultures. I believe clearly that many “advanced” cultures have clearly got it wrong where we teach men to be be mostly in tune with aggressive/tough emotions while teaching us to be strangers to our more nurturing/sensitive ones. Both have their place and value. Again, balance vs. extremes.

Your thoughts?

Happy Fathers Day! To those of you who have, or had, great dads, rejoice!

I know, however, there are many who had absent fathers, abusive sperm donors and/or crummy dads. For them Fathers Day isn’t a day of pleasant memories of the man who mentored them into adulthood, but is a day of harsh memories and broken hearts.

Honoring the Dishonorable?

Further, many feel guilty or conflicted when it comes to the spiritual injunction to “honor thy father.” How does one honor a father who lived dishonorably through broken vows, infidelity, being a deadbeat dad, absent, neglectful or abusive? You don’t have to love him. You may or may not be able to forgive him yet (or ever, depending). The answer is simply this: You can still “honor thy father” by doing better than he did and by passing on better than you got.

Want to be a great dad? Study the masters… Link to tag/categories.

Peace to all.

Any other silly fathers out there besides me? I bet there are plenty. What funny, silly, ridiculous, self-abasing things do you do to make your kids laugh?

Any other silly fathers out there besides me? Let’s hear the lengths you go to get a laugh from your mini minions…

Taught 11-year-old daughter learning to control her anger is as learnable as controlling a car via the speedometer, steering wheel, gas/brakes of emotion regulation. She felt bad before about not being able to control her anger and was crying, poor thing.

I’ll post the copies of the worksheets she and I came up with together and sometime I’ll describe the process in greater depth. For now, let me just share: She felt empowered! I love being able to help my children navigate the tricky waters of life.

Any dads relate?

“I stand outside this woman’s work.”

“Now starts the craft of the father.”

Please honor the mother of your children. Work your craft to be a father of honor.

July in Utah is big. I mean crazy big. Utah goes all out. Not only do we celebrate the Fourth of July, we also celebrate Pioneer Day on the 24th of July. Every city, large and small, has their “Days”: Steel Days, Fiesta Days, Swiss Days, etc. Each with their own festival, often with parades, a carnival, fireworks, picnics, car shows, music, outdoor movies, rodeos and all kinds of celebrations and activities for families. This last month I saw at least four different fireworks displays each one bigger or as big as the last.

My two older children are at the age and stage of life where they’re preferring to hang with their friends. So during our town’s Steel Days festivities I got to hang out with my younger two children (while my wife took a much needed break). They walked/rode in the Children’s Parade, we ate lots of yummy bad food at the Children’s Fair, and we went to the City of Fun Carnival (FYI: if you’ve ever seen the movie The Sandlot then it’s the exact same carnival you saw there and it was filmed in our town, American Fork, during Steel Days. Pretty cool, eh? So there’s our claim to fame!). Great time hanging with the family.

Several years ago, a neighbor asked my wife, Kara, “So what are Jon’s hobbies? What does he do for fun?” She told him simply, “When Jon comes home, after seeing me, he seeks out the kids and plops down and starts playing with them. That’s what he loves to do. That’s his fun. I guess that’s his hobby: Our kids.”

My wife’s observation of me made me feel great. I didn’t quite realize that myself, but it was true—and still is. Hanging with the fam is my preferred activity. I realize though, that that’s not the case for everyone—That many good people struggle with finding joy in hanging with their fams. And I’m not sharing this to say, “Look how great I am” though you’re more than welcome to look. ;-) I am sharing this to say that I attribute our relationship success to many great TEACHINGS and many great MENTORS and many great PRACTICES and many great DECISIONS. Those same great teachings, mentors, practices and decisions are available to you as well. The great relationship is in your reach. I have distilled these teachings, practices and decisions into the following publications (all are available at www.bardos.net/products):

• Building Strong Families with “ACCCTS”
• The Great Relationships Workbook
• 10 Steps to Bonding as a Step-Family Workbook

Take the time to learn from the best down-to-earth practices that I’ve gleaned from long personal and professional experience combined with the best research- and evidence-based approaches that really work. Take the time to create an atmosphere where hanging with the family brings out the best in you and you in them.

We just returned from a two week road trip to see family in the Smokey Mountains of Tenesee and in Washington, D.C. While in D.C. we attended church on Fathers’ Day with my cousin’s family where I spied this dad zonked out with his little guy on the foyer couch. Been there. This picture says so much.

As a father of two girls and two boys I caught as many desperate cat naps as I could snag wherever and whenever I could. This father and his baby boy brought a lot back and I felt for him: For his exhaustion, and for the sublime honor and pleasure to be so entrusted with such a profound little life.

I don’t know anything else about this guy as a father—whether he’s a patient, nurturing man or short-tempered and distant. I do know this scene though. I do know this moment. I do know the desire of wanting so badly to be a good dad and not always knowing how to do that. I’m sure he’s doing his best though and for that I wish to honor this anonymous father.

Father is a powerful word and Fathers’ Day can be a powerful focal point. Fathers’ Day can be a time for joyous celebration of the great men in your life who taught you how to be a man, a husband, a father. Or it can be a bitter reminder of the power of masculinity poorly and even abusively applied. Or it can be both. Depending on the kind of man your father was makes Fathers’ Day a joy or a trial.

I have often pondered with my clients (and with myself) the scriptural injunction to “Honor thy father and thy mother.” Unfortunately, many people’s father’s choices and behaviors were heinous and destructive and so very far from honorable. How does one “honor” such a father then? The answer that makes the most sense to me and the one that brings me a sense of both freedom and peace is the simplest: Whether your father was honorable or dishonorable you honor them by simply doing better than they did.

Yes, giving fathers due respect and acknowledgment is wonderful, of course. And certainly learning from them and carrying on the good that they have taught is wise. However, what every parent wants most for their children (to the point of wanting it so bad for them it aches) is simply for them to do better than they did; to have what they didn’t have; to be wiser, smarter, more capable; to simply be happy.

So to honor my fathers (my biological father, my step-father, my many grand- and great grandfathers, and certainly my Heavenly Father) I try to learn from their wisdom and from their folly. I try to do better than they did or than they knew. The simplest way, and most profound way I have found to do this is to invest my heart, mind and soul into loving my children’s mother and honor her with words, commitment, friendship and service. Doing so has provided for my children a secure home they need and thrive in. Further, by loving my children, my treasures, through continuing to develop my patience, my ability to be fully present with them, and making sure they know without a doubt that their dad is absolutely crazy about them then I am able to not only honor my fathers but also honor myself as a father by teaching my children, through example, how to do it well. From that example, I trust that my dear ones will improve upon my abilities in their own unique ways for their own children.

So, reflecting on Fathers’ Day I wish to express: A simple “thank you” to my fathers; My deepest gratitude to my children for teaching me how to father them, and; My love forever to my wife for making me a father by giving me the four greatest joys of my life.

And to the unknown sleeping dad and son pictured above I just wish to say, “Keep up the good work. It looks like you’re off to a great start.”

I’m giving a presentation called “Husband Training 101″ in my old Michigan stompin’ grounds next week for my step-mom’s Women’s Conference. Some people have recoiled against the choice of word “training” as they think it sounds demeaning somehow–like training a dog (what’s demeaning about training a dog? Okay, I know, I get it–the problem is that I’m supposedly comparing husbands to dogs. Am I? No, I are one! Husband, not dog, that is…). My point is that good training in ANY aspect of life tends towards mucho better results (sports, work, school, and yes, marriage, family, parenting AND even husbands).

But, what do you think? Add a comment below.

My reasoning is simply based on the very definition of training (bolds and CAPS added by me…):

train•ing |ˈtrāni ng | noun

the ACTION of TEACHING a person or animal a particular SKILL or type of BEHAVIOR: in-service training for staff. • the ACTION of undertaking a COURSE of EXERCISE and diet (i.e., DISCIPLINE) in PREPARATION for a sporting EVENT (i.e., marriage or family life): you’ll have to go into strict training.

Phrases: IN (or out of) TRAINING undergoing (or no longer undergoing) physical (or RELATIONSHIP) training for a sporting event. • physically (or RELATIONALLY) FIT (or unfit) as a RESULT of the AMOUNT of training one has UNDERTAKEN.

Yeah, heaven forbid we get trained in our roles as husbands to be well-prepared and skilled. Heaven forbid wives learn effective and respectful training methods to teach particular skills or preferred types of behaviors. Instead, let’s continue to argue, fight, and bicker and/or continue to stonewall, shut down and ignore each other all of which is much less demeaning than “training.”

Rant out.

Come see me! If you’re in Kalamazoo, MI on March 8th or 9th come check out my FREE (yea!) presentations: “Stress and Anxiety: Mastering Strong Emotions“; “Husband Training 101“; and “Building Strong Families with ‘ACCCTS‘”. Go to My Speaking Cal for more details. Do it!