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Category Archives: >> Self-Mastery
Hang In There, You’re Not Done Yet
Posted by Jonathan Sherman in >> Self-Mastery,Failure & Success | February 25, 2012Hey, I’m having a great day today, but somedays I just really have crap days… In case you’re having a crap day, take a moment to listen to “Proud of You” by witty, soulful and profound musician Chris Conway (chrisconway.org). It’s the 8th song on this playlist:
As you struggle remember what my dear colleague Julie Blanton always says, that “This too shall pass.” And also remember “T.T.T.”:
T. T. T.
—Piet HeinPut up in a place where it's easy to see the cryptic admonishment T. T. T. When you feel how depressingly slowly you climb, it's well to remember that Things Take Time.
Just hang in there, friend. You’re not done yet. Today doesn’t decide your tomorrow. I’m proud of you for just trying. Keep trying. You’ll get it. Really. Trust me.
Peace,
Jonathan
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MLK Day “I Have a Dream” Activity
Posted by Jonathan Sherman in >> Self-Mastery,Abuse and Violence,Nonviolence and Peace | January 18, 2012
This is a simple activity you can do with your family, students or youth group. Most people have seen clips from Martin Luther King, Jr.’s “I Have a Dream Speech” but most haven’t actually seen/heard/read the full 17-minute speech.
- Inform participants that we will be watching the full “I Have a Dream” speech and that each person is to follow along with their handout of the speech and simply circle/underline any thoughts, concepts, ideas, principles or concepts that resonate with them that they find meaningful/interesting.
- Watch the speech.
- Process:
- Go around and have each person share 1-3 quotes/thoughts that were most meaningful to them.
- Encourage other members to share their thoughts on what others shared and add in your own ideas, too, but don’t take over the discussion or turn it into a lecture. Let the group carry the discussion.

Materials
- Copies of PDF Download of MLK’s “I Have a Dream” speech and his “Letter from Birmingham Jail” for each participant.
- The full 17 minute “I Have a Dream” speech cued up and ready to watch (you can use the one embedded below and expand it to full screen.
- Pens/pencils for each participant.
MLK Related Items on MarriageEnvy.com
- PDF Download of MLK’s “I Have a Dream” speech and his “Letter from Birmingham Jail” which I use as a handout for people to circle the ideas, thoughts, concepts and principles that relate to them the most, and then discuss and share after they watch:
- The above video.
- Blog Posts on Nonviolence and Peace referencing MLK
- “Be the Answer: Solutions to Bullying” school assembly and intervention program which incorporates MLK’s teachings.
Thoughts on Nonviolence and MLK, Jr.’s Legacy
Posted by Jonathan Sherman in >> Self-Mastery,Nonviolence and Peace | January 16, 2012
Martin Luther King, Jr. Day is a more than a holiday to me, it is a Holy Day where I honor not only this great man, my hero, but even more importantly the principles he took a stand for. When I think of the people who have influenced not only my thinking, but who have shaped the nature of my soul and the “content of my character” it is Martin Luther King, Jr. and Mohandas K. Gandhi (whose work greatly influenced and inspired MLK’s work, and was one of MLK’s heroes). This is a holy day to me because the principles of nonviolence are sacred to me in my personal life and my professional work in ending abuse and violence and increasing peaceful, loving relationships at home, work, community and school (my “Be the Answer: Solutions to Bullying” school assembly and intervention program is largely influenced by MLK’s and Gandhi’s nonviolent movements).
Just a thought in regards to these discussions specifically as well as in relating to people in general: Believe the experiencer’s experience with a stance of curiosity rather than of pre-conceived ‘knowing’. I believe this is a central part to truly understanding someone different from us, which is at the core of enacting nonviolence. I participated in a multi-racial group hosted by Darron Smith called “Colorblindness Is a Myth” where we discussed how racism continues to impact people of color, especially blacks. The salient point arose of people speaking for others experience, like a white person saying, “I understand” about a black person’s experience with racism, which can stir feelings of frustration. I was invited to participate in the group for my perspectives and ability to bring balance and shared perspective in the midst of seemingly opposing views. So I shared with the group the concept of maintaining a “stance of curiosity” and “believing the experiencer’s experience” as it is. This is a relevant skill generally in my work and in life and was specifically relevant in this group here: How can I as a white man fully know the black experience? I cannot. But I can listen and believe and have my awareness expanded and even challenged. Over the years, I have heard my brothers and sisters of all races speak for other races experience as if they could know. How can this be done accurately? I don’t know if it can. Rarely does the other side feel accurately represented or understood. All I can do is learn. If I cannot fully understand through experience, I can simply believe the experience of others—that their experience is real. Why would I need to argue with one’s experience? Fortunately, I don’t. I have found in my work as a therapist working with so many from so many different backgrounds and experiences that my most effective stance is gettting comfortable with being in a state of not-knowing and embracing curiosity. It is only then that I am able to learn what is possible for me to learn.
MLK Related Items on MarriageEnvy.com
- MLK “I Have a Dream” Activity perfect for a family night, your students or youth group.
- PDF Download of MLK’s “I Have a Dream” speech and his “Letter from Birmingham Jail” which I use as a handout for people to circle the ideas, thoughts, concepts and principles that relate to them the most, and then discuss and share after they watch:
- The full 17 minute “I Have a Dream” speech given at the Lincoln Memorial
- Blog Posts on Nonviolence and Peace referencing MLK
- “Be the Answer: Solutions to Bullying” school assembly and intervention program which incorporates MLK’s teachings.
- MLK “I Have a Dream” Activity perfect for a family night, your students or youth group.
- PDF Download of MLK’s “I Have a Dream” speech and his “Letter from Birmingham Jail” which I use as a handout for people to circle the ideas, thoughts, concepts and principles that relate to them the most, and then discuss and share after they watch:
- The full 17 minute “I Have a Dream” speech given at the Lincoln Memorial
- Blog Posts on Nonviolence and Peace referencing MLK
- “Be the Answer: Solutions to Bullying” school assembly and intervention program which incorporates MLK’s teachings.
So, thank you Darron for opening this forum for me to learn.
A black gentleman in the group who was good at challenging our thinking, and whom I greatly respect, told me, “Methinks you are of John Brown’s ilk. John Brown is one of my favorite ‘war heroes,’ even a paragon for any white involvement for the destruction of white supremacy. John Brown’s actions, that is to say, have demonstrated to me that John Brown would’ve done anything—by any means necessary—to destroy the pernicious reality of white supremacy [including violence]. And NOT only John Brown, but his white comrades/cohorts John Henry Kagi, Owen Brown, and Edwin Coppock—all white, courageous men who have been men of ACTION. Indeed, my children will remember the brotherhood that these aforementioned white men have exemplified at Harper’s Ferry. At any rate, I try to take this selfsame approach, even as it pertains to the homophobia/heterosexism, sexism, agesim, and ableism within myself. Also, methinks that without first removing any beam within my very own eye(s), I will NOT perceive reality as I ought, including, but not limited to, perceiving the mote that is within another’s eyes.”
I replied to him, “Beam/mote. So true. A stance of curiosity keeps me more fully rooted in owning my own perceptions (beam) vs. trying to “correct” others perceptions (mote). I am humbled if you think I am of John Brown’s ilk. Thank you. I have given thought to some of your comments and our discussion that have stuck in my mind regarding violence/nonviolence. I feel I need to be forthright about my strengths and weaknesses here. I strive to be the man that follows the noble, and yes even practical, examples of Gandhi, MLK, and Christ. Yet, I know I have a violent man inside of me as well that would have no problem pulling my shotgun on any intruder of my home. I don’t know who said it, but he said, “Every man is made up of two men: the man he is and the man he wants to be.” Anciently these two sides I experience have been depicted as the Taoist ying yang or in the scriptures as the natural man and the spiritual man. These two sides are not easy to reconcile. I’m sure I am not alone in this.
“I do not want to come across on these posts as one who has tamed my shadow self (as Carl Jung would call it) fully nor do I now if I ever will. I do think I would rise up in violence without a second thought to protect any member of my family—I have felt it strongly within myself and without shame. Yet, do I still at the same time embrace as dear to my heart all that nonviolence espouses as I have seen it enrich my life and those I serve so much? Yes. Is this a contradiction? Yes. Is there hypocrisy there? Maybe. All I can say in my defense (not that I need a defense here, do I, since it is only I who am charging myself!) is to repeat the great quote by Walt Whitman: “Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.” (I love his blatant confidence and cockiness and even moreso the truth in those words). So in my own confidence of nonviolence as a powerful and correct stance, I recognize my own internal conflict. Just think it’s fair to put that in the open.
Is nonviolence truly practical and relevant today, or has it been watered down?
The afore-mentioned gentleman responded, “I do understand. But I am still persuaded that this notion of ‘nonviolence’ to which you refer has been co-opted by the powers that be, even to strategically pacify the indignation of the masses, especially black folk, strategically. Hence, I am exceedingly suspicious of it. For one, ‘nonviolence’ is certainly not biblical.”
I replied as follows: “I understand the suspicion of nonviolence. Gandhi and MLK had many detractors and skeptics among their own ranks and spent a LOT of time and energy persuading their followers and their enemies (ie “the powers that be”) that not only was their radical approach noble but even more importantly it was highly potent and effective.
“But not biblical?! Really? Maybe not the Old Testament but the New Testament is chock-full of Jesus preaching, among many other teachings of peace and nonviolent approaches, the following:
“For all they that take the sword shall perish with the sword.”
—Jesus, Matthew 26:52, The New Testament
and
“Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth: But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloke also. And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain. Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away. Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.”
—Jesus, Matthew 5:38-44, The New Testament
That IS nonviolence and the core of MLK’s beliefs as a devout Christian and brilliant preacher. MLK took nonviolence as his central tenant—it was a core strategy, not ancillary. His writings are replete with example after example, urging after urging for people to understand the true nature of nonviolence as the most effective and moral form of resistance. His arguments for nonviolence to which he refers are extremely convincing based in the most profound reasoning. To believe that MLK was following a co-opted “notion of ‘nonviolence’” by the powers that be would be both laughable and offensive to his legacy. If any here have not read the body of his work I highly recommend it to all (The Martin Luther King Papers Project has it all: http://mlk-kpp01.stanford.
Nonviolence most certainly is biblical to the very core of Christ’s teachings. Christ’s ancient teachings were the very core of MLK’s beliefs. Gandhi’s modern day model of nonviolence also was not co-opted by the powers that be but was uniquely his and owned by the “rabble” of the powers that weren’t. Gandhi’s model was the model for MLK’s nonviolent movement of which he openly gave Gandhi credit for. This is the nonviolence (not “nonviolence” in belittling quotation marks) of which I refer.
Bottom line: Whether “nonviolence” is currently being co-opted by the powers that be or not that is by no means what I refer to. I hope that is very clear. If it is being co-opted though, then that is all the more reason for us to FULLY own the true nonviolence that is the legacy of the truly great who have come before us—those who showed us by example vs. rhetoric how to enact real change through powerfully nonviolent means. They have given us the legacy to use it not squander it.
How is nonviolence accomplished?
“In any nonviolent campaign there are four basic steps: collection of the facts to determine whether injustices exist; negotiation; self purification; and direct action.”
—Martin Luther King, Jr., “Letter from Birmingham Jail”
It is the self-purification step that is tremendously profound. I have read and re-read this letter and each time (as I’m re-reading it now) I am moved both by his emotion, passion and suffering as I am by his brilliant intellect and pure reason.
”Nonviolent direct action seeks to create such a crisis and foster such a tension that a community which has constantly refused to negotiate is forced to confront the issue. It seeks so to dramatize the issue that it can no longer be ignored. My citing the creation of tension as part of the work of the nonviolent resister may sound rather shocking. But I must confess that I am not afraid of the word “tension.” I have earnestly opposed violent tension, but there is a type of constructive, nonviolent tension which is necessary for growth. Just as Socrates felt that it was necessary to create a tension in the mind so that individuals could rise from the bondage of myths and half truths to the unfettered realm of creative analysis and objective appraisal, so must we see the need for nonviolent gadflies to create the kind of tension in society that will help men rise from the dark depths of prejudice and racism to the majestic heights of understanding and brotherhood. ”
—Martin Luther King, Jr., “Letter from Birmingham Jail”
Amen! Amen! Amen! Let’s see the powers that be co-opt that! Go MLK! Darron’s group and the gentleman I mentioned above were both good at creating a “tension in the mind” via the “Colorblindness Is a Myth” group disucssion forum and the points they brought out. I respect them both greatly for that.
More from the Letter from Birmingham Jail
I’m reading the whole Letter from Birmingham Jail again and man oh man does it inspire. Brilliant. I submit it’s one of the most profound documents every to be in print. Here’s a link to it as a PDF if anyone wants to read it. http://mlk-kpp01.stanford.
“If his repressed emotions are not released in nonviolent ways, they will seek expression through violence; this is not a threat but a fact of history. So I have not said to my people: “Get rid of your discontent.” Rather, I have tried to say that this normal and healthy discontent can be channeled into the creative outlet of nonviolent direct action. And now this approach is being termed extremist. But though I was initially disappointed at being categorized as an extremist, as I continued to think about the matter I gradually gained a measure of satisfaction from the label. Was not Jesus an extremist for love: “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.” Was not Amos an extremist for justice: “Let justice roll down like waters and righteousness like an ever flowing stream.” Was not Paul an extremist for the Christian gospel: “I bear in my body the marks of the Lord Jesus.” Was not Martin Luther an extremist: “Here I stand; I cannot do otherwise, so help me God.” And John Bunyan: “I will stay in jail to the end of my days before I make a butchery of my conscience.” And Abraham Lincoln: ”This nation cannot survive half slave and half free.” And Thomas Jefferson: “We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal . . .” So the question is not whether we will be extremists, but what kind of extremists we will be. Will we be extremists for hate or for love?”
—Martin Luther King, Jr., “Letter from Birmingham Jail”
Contrary to the doctrine of “by any means necessary” to create social justice, MLK stated emphatically,
“Over the past few years I have consistently preached that nonviolence demands that the means we use must be as pure as the ends we seek. I have tried to make clear that it is wrong to use immoral means to attain moral ends.”
—Martin Luther King, Jr., “Letter from Birmingham Jail”
And the following quote has proven prophetic in the very fact that today we celebrate this man and all those associated with the Civil Rights Movement. Whether the South gets this or not I don’t know, but the very people he named as heroes are seen as heroes by the entire world and not just the South:
“One day the South will recognize its real heroes. They will be the James Merediths, with the noble sense of purpose that enables them to face jeering and hostile mobs, and with the agonizing loneliness that characterizes the life of the pioneer. They will be old, oppressed, battered Negro women, symbolized in a seventy two year old woman in Montgomery, Alabama, who rose up with a sense of dignity and with her people decided not to ride segregated buses, and who responded with ungrammatical profundity to one who inquired about her weariness: “My feets is tired, but my soul is at rest.” They will be the young high school and college students, the young ministers of the gospel and a host of their elders, courageously and nonviolently sitting in at lunch counters and willingly going to jail for conscience’ sake. One day the South will know that when these disinherited children of God sat down at lunch counters, they were in reality standing up for what is best in the American dream and for the most sacred values in our Judaeo Christian heritage, thereby bringing our nation back to those great wells of democracy which were dug deep by the founding fathers in their formulation of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence.”
—Martin Luther King, Jr., “Letter from Birmingham Jail”
“Easier Said Than Done.” Well, No Duh!
Posted by Jonathan Sherman in >> Marriage Transformation,>> Parent Training,>> Self-Mastery,The GREAT Relationship | December 28, 2011“Well, Jonathan, that’s easier said than done.” This is a common phrase and objection I hear from people when we talk about creating a GREAT relationship overall and/or specific strategies towards that goal. My response is, “Yep, that’s exactly why most people don’t get it done—lots of talk, little walk. Everyone says they want great relationships with spouse, children and self. However, look around. This is why most people have crap relationships, why most people complain about their children’s poor behavior and why most people don’t learn how to master their emotions. People complain about it being easy to say, but hard to do.”
Of course, it’s easier said than done—it’s hard work. Period. Anything of great value rarely comes cheap, free or easy. Since when were great results ever easy? When did we start expecting that? Greatness, in any and every field, simply requires hard work.
Greatness Is Hard Won
Too many people buy into the pervasive, and TOTALLY unsubstantiated, myth that real/true/great love should be easy, should “just flow”, etc. Please, please, please, someone show me where this works in any part of life. Why is Google great? Did Google “just happen”? How about Apple? How about Michaelangelo’s David? How about any Super Bowl winner? Olympic gold medalists? The Cathedral of Notre Dame? Gandhi or Martin Luther King, Jr.’s movements? Please show me where true and lasting greatness was not hard won?
The three areas I help people with (marriage transformation, parent training and self-mastery) all take hard work. Why should that discourage us, though? Shouldn’t we be encouraged knowing that if we work hard to learn and practice, practice, practice the best ways to create a great relationship that we’ll earn our outcomes? So, if we are going to do hard, we might as well learn the best ways to do it so our hard work is well-rewarded.
Hard and Easy or Easy and Hard?
The question then is not whether it’s hard or easy. The question is, where do you want hard and where do you want easy? We know that the convoluted and complicated habits and messes we get stuck in are actually quite easy to continue perpetuating and falling back into. Bad relationship habits are easy to continue. It’s just that the results of these patterns are really hard to live with. The work I require my clients to do is undoubtably hard to do, but boy! the results sure are easy to live with. Success story after success story keep rolling in like these two this week:
Thank you so much for helping me save my marriage! I don’t know what I’d do without my husband! He is so amazing for me in so many ways!”
—A Marriage Transformation client who loathed her husband and was ready to leave him
I can attest a LOT of very hard work went into this outcome. But the hard work is over for them. The easy part of living with what they have created, and earned, continues on and on and on.
[My wife] is amazed. You changed her life today with what you taught us about mastering strong emotions. The change in her in turn changed my life and hopefully her extended family’s lives, too. You definitely do not hide your talents under a bushel. I so appreciate you.”
—A Self-Mastery and Parent Training client
So it’s not whether the work is hard or not. It’s going to be hard. The question is where do you want the hard and where do you want the easy? Easy to keep doing, but hard to live with or hard to do, but easy to live with?
Short term: EASY to continue habits = Long term: HARD to live with
Short term: HARD to change habits = Long term: EASY to live with
Take courage. The work is hard. The results are worth it.
RELATED POST: Hard or Easy?
ADHD and Zombie Torches
Posted by Jonathan Sherman in >> Parent Training,>> Self-Mastery,Just Plain Silly | November 15, 2011
Ever wonder what an ADHD professional who works on his own does when he gets distracted off task? Well, naturally, he makes torches in preparation for the Zombie Apocalypse. Duh!
Build Your Own!
Instructions
- Wick: Find some old clothes that you would normally throw away. This is how it all started–I was on task with putting laundry away when I found a tattered pair of jeans and a ripped dress shirt… The torches above use one half of a pair of jeans and one full dress shirt.
- Handle: Get 2′ to 3′ long sticks (save old broom handles as any handyman/tinkerer can tell you they are handy for many projects). The ones pictured are 3′ long. I prefer the longer length for the following reasons: a. Keeps fire (and dripping torch pieces) away from my hands; b. Ability to wave in a cool arc from side to side for greater visibility as well as for the cool whooshing torch on fire sound; and c. The better to whack away zombies with.
- Fastener: I wrapped these with bailing wire so when they burn down the criss-crossing wire will act like a cage to hold the torch together as long as possible. I then wrap the ends of the wire around a small nail so as I’m whipping the torch to and fro the torch head won’t fly off. Yeah, smart thinking, I know.
- Fuel: Either soak them in melted wax ahead of time or douse them in kerosine or gasoline when the time comes. The wax method is preferable as they are completely ready before hand and won’t use valuable fuel. Also, the wax method makes them waterproof.
- Voila! Defend your home, light the way, have fun.
You can ‘dis ADHD as being a “deficit” and a “disorder” all you like, but when the zombies attack you’ll be calling on me for extra torches! People often feel bad about having ADHD. Not me. They ask, what are the upsides of ADHD. Plenty and many. There are as many (and more) upsides to ADHD than there are downsides in both my personal and professional experience. I’ll address this later in a more serious-minded post… Stay tuned…
All joking and fun aside, torches are a simple and practical emergency preparedness item. However, preparing for a Zombie Apocalypse is more funner than preparing for a temporary power outage.
Self-Mastery: “Feeling Good” by Nina Simone
Posted by Jonathan Sherman in >> Self-Mastery | March 24, 2011http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJA69C6SlRk
Birds flyin’ high you know how I feel
Sun in the sky you know how I feel
Breeze driftin’ on by you know how I feel
Its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life for me
yeah, its a new dawn its a new day its a new life for me ooooooooh
And I’m feeling good
Fish in the sea, you know how I feel
River runnin’ free you know how I feel
Blossom on the tree you know how I feel
Its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life for me
And I’m feelin good
Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean dont you know
Butterflies all havin’ fun you know what I mean
Sleepin’ peace when day is done that’s what I mean
And this old world is a new world and a bold world for me
Stars when you shine you know how I feel
Scent of the crime you know how I feel
Your freedom is mine, and I know how I feel
Its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life for me
(Free styling)
Oh I’m feeling good
The GR Principle
All of nature lives as it is supposed to. They know how Nina feels. We are supposed to live freely and fully. We cannot do that when we are weighed down with false beliefs of self, messed-up habits, and incorrect knowledge. The work that my clients and I engage in involves stripping away the mess and infusing self with the clarity of the true self. Our relationship with self is the single most important relationship we can cultivate in this life. From this core relationship stems how we interact in every other relationship. Creating a GREAT Relationship with self. From that secure relationship with self we learn to let go of weak ego and pointless pride and are able to embrace true confidence that allows us to truly love and serve selflessly.
Self-Mastery: The Wolves Inside You
Posted by Jonathan Sherman in >> Self-Mastery | November 5, 2010An elder Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, “A fight is going on inside me.. it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.
“One wolf represents fear, anger, …envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
“The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.
“This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too,” he added.
The grandchildren thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”
The grandfather simply replied, “The one you feed.”
Source: I had heard this story years ago and recently found it on Deb Wilson’s great blog:
To the Critics and Naysayers of the World:
Posted by Jonathan Sherman in >> Self-Mastery | November 2, 2010My Open Letter to the Critics and Naysayers of World:
Besides your criticisms, Monday morning quarterbacking, and fault-finding of those who actually DO take action, what have you actually DONE yourself? If the answer is nothing, keep your mouth shut.
Thank you,
The Doers of the World
I get weary of all the know-it-alls who are quick to problem-talk, reject solutions, discourage rather than encourage, dash dreams, be loudly pessimistic, give reason after reason why it “can’t be done”, etc. I’ve come to the point where I’m done listening to those who don’t or won’t contribute to improving life. Critics contribute nothing. To paraphrase Yoda, “DO or do not” and if you are a “do not” then keep quiet.
Self-Mastery Tip: The Question of Fair
Posted by Jonathan Sherman in >> Self-Mastery,Stress-Busting | November 1, 2010In regards to the question of “fair”:
- Life isn’t fair. Waiting for it to be, or expecting it to be, is the fast track to suffering and insanity;
- That being said, it is our responsibility to be fair and to make the systems we live in (family, government, work, etc) as fair as possible. This elevates us to a nobler status as human beings as itallows us to rise above “just what we’ve been given.” Doing so allows us to leverage our ability to create and improve.
Instead of complaining about life, work, your marriage not being fair, what do you DO to make it fair?
The Soul of Compassion: Understanding
Posted by Jonathan Sherman in >> Self-Mastery,Marriage Tips,The GREAT Relationship | September 24, 2010“I think it’s impossible to really understand somebody, what they want, what they believe, and not love them the way they love themselves.”
—Ender Wiggin, in Ender’s Game by Orson Scott Card
The key to a GREAT relationship is REALLY understanding, which is the soul of compassion. To know someone so fully that you can see past what you disagree with about them to what really makes them tick. To fully understand them as they are instead of as they “should” be opens up the door to truly loving someone.
How do we then really understand someone? It requires a lot of shutting up and a lot of listening. Simple? Yes. Easy? No.
Shutting Up
Shutting up is not about just closing the mouth, it is about opening the mind to what the person is really saying—to where you can hear them from their hopes and dreams and pain and desperation. It is not about shutting down your opinions. It is about shutting off the noise of your opinions, judgments, corrections, and criticisms long enough so you can really heart what the other is trying to really express even if they are doing it poorly.
Deep Listening
Listen for what is really being said. Listen for their suffering that is at the root of what they are expressing. Connect to it and let the compassion you feel for suffering well up inside of you.
But what if you don’t agree? Fortunately, you don’t have to agree to listen well. Understanding ≠ agreement, so don’t get bogged down in “Yeah, but I just don’t agree with what you’re saying.” Instead, listen so deeply to what is being said that you connect with their suffering in a such a way that your compassion is triggered. When you connect to your compassion they will feel that compassion in your speech and body language. Then they will feel understood. Then they will feel safe with you. That is the deep place that we use deep listening to take us to.
My dad, and educator, once gave me a book on teaching and learning called To Know as We Are Known. The title says it all. That is the secret of what we all want: to be known by others as we know ourselves. That kind of knowing is true understanding which is the very soul of compassion.
What do you think? Please share your thoughts on how YOU use compassion to listen and understand better as well as what gets in your way…




