As a marriage and family therapist, sex therapy is a common part of my practice. Often, people (men) worry that they aren’t having as much sex as they used to when they were first married and that must mean there is something wrong with their marriage. This often leads to conflict in the marriage. The drop-off in frequency is a normal (and believe it or not it’s not even bad) change in the normal development of a marriage. However, in our over-sexed (yet under accurately sexually educated) society anything less than lots of mind-blowing sex all the time = “there must be something wrong.” Anyway, while there’s a lot more to this issue, here’s one very interesting finding about testosterone in Dads and why the dip in testosterone is not only NOT a bad thing it’s actually quite a good thing: Dads Have Less Testosterone
I think it’s nice to know that men ARE built to also nurture and not just be aggressive. There are many examples of this in other more “primitive” cultures. I believe clearly that many “advanced” cultures have clearly got it wrong where we teach men to be be mostly in tune with aggressive/tough emotions while teaching us to be strangers to our more nurturing/sensitive ones. Both have their place and value. Again, balance vs. extremes.
Your thoughts?
There are exceptions to every rule. My husband and I experience this drop off in frequency, but that is a time issue more than anything. It’s not something we quibble about because we both agree–and because we value our intimate moments that are not sex as well as those moments that are. And I have seen nothing but an increase in his physical interest in me as he ages–and this is a man with 6 children.
That is fantastic! “We value our intimate moments that are not sex as well as those moments that are” is a perfect example of what I teach my couples about “expanding your intimacy vocabulary beyond intimacy = sex.”
I’m not surprised that he would find you more attractive. Couples who understand true intimacy as you described truly do become more attracted because they see the WHOLE person. Such seeing is REAL intimacy and then every form of that intimacy all plays off the other. Thank you for sharing those wonderful examples.
So when is lack of frequency not normal? Once a month, once every three months, once a year?
Our intimacy in that area is not growing at all, and it is my husband who isn’t interested. For years I told myself that it was because of the reasons in your article…and then I told myself that it was because of a defect in me he was reacting to (physically, emotionally, anything I could think of),…but now I know that it is him, not me.
I’m not morbidly obese and I’m attractive (other men have showed interest in me since my marriage).
It has hurt me deeply to realize that my husband would rather be a roommate than a romantic partner.
He is also quite passive aggressive.
And in case you’re wondering: He isn’t gay, he does have a sex drive, and there aren’t health problems that we are aware of.
We are in couples counseling but I don’t know if it will help us in this area because he has been very resistant to the whole concept of therapy from the beginning. He is only going because I insisted that we needed it. I look at that as positive…that he will try this because he does love me…but he isn’t engaged in the process.
I know that this seems to be the other way around…men complaining that their wives don’t want sex…so it is very embarrassing to have this issue in our marriage.
He does like to cuddle, but he doesn’t do romantic things for me or try to make me feel special in that way. He isn’t interested in getting his hormone levels checked, either.
Hi, Sorry to hear about what you are going though. There are a multitude of things that may be going on–more than I can adequately address here, especially without knowing the full history (though what you shared is helpful). I’m glad to hear that you are both in couples counseling. My main recommendation is to find a couples counselor who is REALLY good at engaging men in marital counseling–not everyone is good at that and quite frankly it’s essential. Many guys have a hard time buying into counseling and if the counselor isn’t adept at engaging the man in the process it makes it that much harder for it to be effective. Most women are bought into the idea of counseling, so it’s not the woman that has to be sold on the idea. Whenever I work with couples, I work hard to make sure the man is fully engaged in the process. It is also important that the counselor is well-versed in intimacy issues. Lastly, not all counselors who meet with couples are well-trained in it. Double-check your counselors creds. Bottom line with all of this is “fit.” Seriously, it’s important to find a couples counselor who really connects with your husband. Let me know if you have further questions, and you’re always welcome to contact me directly for more in depth discussion on this topic… Best, J