Rock Therapy: Affair Recovery via BNL's "Call and Answer"

“Call and Answer” is one of the best songs I've heard about the tenuous nature of the work of affair recovery from the perspective of the one who has been cheated on but trying to trust.

Also, see the cautionary song and discussion “Execution of the Cheater" Pledge to Honor Your Relationship on my blog by seven2life for another perspective from the remorseful cheater who unfortunately learned too late.


DISCUSSION
"You think we're here to play a game of who loves more than whom"

His point here, though, is that "if you call, I will answer, if you fall, I'll pick you up" that I'm here for you. I'm here with you. That it's not a game. It's not a contest.

"I think it's time to make this something that is more than only fair."
Brilliant. Covenant relationship is 100/100. Giving self freely and fully without holding back. Without the "I will if you will, but I won't if you won't," which is the dominant relationship mindset for many in the more common and weaker "50/50" contract relationship.

"If you court this disaster, I'll point you home."
”Court” here means to entertain, entice, or even to play with. The person here is done. Affair recovery is REALLY tough work. For the spouse who gets a second chance, consider yourself lucky. There just aren't any do-overs left after that, though.

True and real love, folks, is highly conditional. "I'm warning you..."

"It's time to prove..."
It's past words. I teach my clients what I call the Trust Equation™ which is simply:

CONSISTENT BEHAVIOR + TIME = TRUST

Words, promises, hopes, feelings, love, and forgiveness are all nice things, but they have nothing to do with rebuilding trust. Just as 2 + 2 = 4, with trust, it's just consistent behavior plus time. The other stuff is nice but irrelevant to trust-building. Bananas are great, but two plus bananas don't equal four. That's nothing against bananas; they just have nothing to do with the equation.

LYRICS
Call and Answer
The Barenaked Ladies (BNL)

I think it's getting to the point where I can be myself again
I think it's getting to the point where we have almost made amends
I think it's the getting to the point that is the hardest part

and if you call, I will answer
and if you fall, I'll pick you up
and if you court this disaster
I'll point you home

You think I only think about you when we're both in the same room
You think I'm only here to witness the remains of love exhumed
You think we're here to play a game of who loves more than whom

and if you call, I will answer
and if you fall, I'll pick you up
and if you court this disaster
I'll point you home

You think it's only fair to do what's best for you and you alone
You think it's only fair to do the same to me when you're not home
I think it's time to make this something that is more than only fair

and if you call, I will answer
and if you fall, I'll pick you up
and if you court this disaster
I'll point you home

But I'm warning you, don't ever do those crazy, messed-up things that you do
If you ever do, I promise you I'll be the first to crucify you
Now it's time to prove that you've come back here to rebuild
Rebulid...